Announcement: Protestia is Being Acquired by The Gospel Coalition (TGC) + Will Serve as Their Mouthpiece
In a bit of personal news, we’re pleased to announce that the Gospel Coalition is acquiring Protestia for an undisclosed sum, and we will begin merging our content as soon as possible.
We realize this is a bit of a shock for our viewers, but ultimately, this is a win-win situation. We will get a much-needed cash infusion, which we hope to use as a seed offering to get an ROI of 30, 60, and 90 fold, and TGC will get an image makeover so that it won’t have to keep worrying about being exposed as the Christianized ‘Cosmopolitan Magazine’ it has become.
In a statement released by Senior Editor Brett McCracken, he announced that Council members approved the acquisition by an 18-6 vote and that he was pleased to take an active role in coalescing support around us:
“They kept on exposing the fact that year over year, all my favorite TV shows I would publish on TGC were full of graphic sex and nudity, and that sort of attention was bad for our image. Thankfully, under our auspices and my editorial control, those sorts of posts will be a thing of the past, and we may even collaborate on my 2024 list of favorite sex-drenched films.”
We cannot confirm the rumors that several continuationist leaders joined forces and offered kickbacks to TGC in order to secure our silence about their charismatic dark arts.
While we likewise can’t disclose terms, we can confirm that TGC’s pockets are heavy, blessed with ad revenue from all the hate clicks we have driven their way over the years, on the back of such articles as:
TGC Author: Christians Have Endured No ‘Hostility’ or ‘Ill-treatment’ From Govt During Pandemic
TGC Author Advocates for Using Trans Personal Pronouns, Suggests Not Using them Makes one a ‘Weaker Brother’
The Gospel Coalition Says We should Affirm the Right of Homosexuals to Marry?
TGC Suggests Boomers are Sinfully being ‘Radicalized into Conspiracies’ by Ben Shapiro, Fox News
TGC Publishes Worst and Gayest Article in Years, Gets Swiftly Taken Down
TGC Writer: Jesus was a ‘Downwardly Mobile Migrant’ who Faced ‘Daunting Pressures of Exclusion and Insecurity’
The Gospel Coalition: Anti-Masking is Not a ‘Conscience Issue’ but Instead is Sinful ‘Civil Disobedience’
TGC Author: Believing in ‘Big-Government Overreach’ Is a Denial of ‘Objective Reality’
TGC Author Says We MUST Repent of our Parent’s and Grandparent’s Racism
TGC Canada Again Argues that Their Churches Aren’t Being Persecuted
TGC Author: Straight Men Should Consider Singleness Out of Solidarity for Celibate Homosexuals
TGC Says Barbie Movie Matters Because 10% of Women Leave Church Over ‘Misogyny’
TGC Author Rebecca McLaughlin Says We MUST Repent of our Parent’s and Grandparent’s Racism
TGC Author Suggests ‘Deadnaming’ Transexuals is ‘Disrespectful’
TGC Contributor Argues Pro-LGBTQ Xtians and Universalists Are Still In the Faith
TGC Author: Stopping Active Shooter in Church Is Just Like Peter Cutting Of Servant’s Ear: Jesus Says Not To
Pacifist TGC Writer Says The World Should Have Let Hitler and Nazis Conquer Unopposed
TGC Contributor Ironically Praises Enneagram On Podcast about ‘False Teaching’
We ask our viewers for grace and patience as we plot a new pathway for uplifting content that stays away from discernment and polemics and instead takes on a kindler, gentle tone. While it’s not our preference, it’s what our financial needs dictate.
So far, we have three articles queued up, including Top Ten Winsome Quotes by Tim Keller, a piece on Why Attending Taylor Swift’s Concert Tour is a Gospel Issue and Election 2024: Why the Democrats Deserve a Second Look.
We’ll be dropping our first article on April 1st.
Note. While the merge is planned and announced, it is not technically set in stone, as we have introduced ,on advice from our spirtual and financial advisor Benny Hinn, a 14-day clause that allows us to back out if we raise some a certain amount of funds. Anyone wishing to save us from this fate can consider donating funds directly to us at the following places:
- https://protestia.givingfuel.com/protestia
- http://patreon.com/protestia
- http://protestia.substack.com/
About Author
😂😂😂
Sounds like a nightmare. Only a FOOL would make such a merger lol
Yes, come to the Dark Side (spoken in a low, gravelly voice).
Satan would love to use this site to justify/look past his increasingly widespread evil works in our society today : )
What??? You going the same route as Chick-Fil-A?? Sorry, but it sure does look like it.
Okay, reading to the end, I guess you made up this post as satire, like Babylon Bee. Sorry, but this is NOT funny. Don’t even joke around with this stuff. Again, NOT funny, NOT amused.
April fools!