Child liberation theologian Ryan L. Stollar died by suicide on Sunday, leaving a parting note in which he curses God for his misfortunes in life, insisting, “If there is a god, I will go to my eternal destination and slap him in the face.”
Stollar, a former evangelical who wrote Kingdom of the Children, was known as an abuse survivor advocate after he himself was molested as a child.
He left a suicide note on his website titled “The End,” where he outlines his decision.
He explained that his wife was divorcing him and that “As I approach life without my best friend in a fascist hellscape, I see little to no path forward. For over a decade, I have been a burden on those I love the most and I do not want to burden others similarly again.”
Stollar explains that he “has spent most of my life waking up wishing that I was dead” and that he had been planning to take his own life for months, pointing out, “I have been open and honest with many of you about my struggles with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, PTSD, and suicidal ideation over the years.”
Notably, he goes on a suicidal screed against the Lord of Glory, writing:
Is there a god? Will I go to heaven or hell? If there is a god, I will go to my eternal destination and slap him in the face. Fuck god and fuck everyone who loved him more than their own children. I have spent my whole life making excuses for a god who never raised a finger to spare me from being molested as a child or the lifelong consequences of that abuse.
Those consequences have slowly but surely consumed everything in my life, including now my marriage and soon here me as well.
I have read the Bible backwards and forwards, I have created theology and imagined liberation amongst the ruins of my childhood faith, I have said what Jesus never did. And to what end? To whitewash tombs full of the bones of the dead. Meaningless, meaningless.
He concludes:
So. Goodbye. I don’t know if this is goodbye forever or if there is more torture to come. But goodbye for the here and now.
Sadly, for all the pain he experienced in this life, he will remember it forever as the fleeting vesper for bliss and joy, as he faces eternity suffering in hell.
Pray for Stollar’s family.
