The Season of Bathsheba

It’s that time of year again – March madness! No, not the NCAA Tournament (as unpredictable as it’s proven so far). Instead, it’s the season when every oppressed Karen of both biological genders on social media takes a break from marching in circles around Grace Community Church to once again pledge allegiance to the Patron Saint of Shevangelicalism, Bathsheba the Raped.

Arriving each year on the third Sunday after Shepcon (or fifth if Julie Roys sees her shadow being abused), the season features many traditions. Some of the most popular: The Feats of Strength (where women remind everyone via touchscreens how they can totally lift more than men), the Simpathon (where middle-aged men try to see how long they can play White Knight for their online feminist gal pals before their wife finds out) and of course the costume party featuring an endless parade of women dressed up like pastors.

The name of the holiday is thought to have come from the combination of “bath” (the routine cleaning Shevas and their pet beta males penitently deny themselves) and “Sheba” (the favorite food of all twelve cats living in each Sheva home). In any case, the primary purpose of the festivities is to declare with one voice that, in the same way there is no possibility that Bathsheba was anything less than entirely innocent in her sexual encounter with King David, all women who enjoy anything less than full authority in any relationship with a man can cast their cares on Bathsheba, who cares for them as no man ever could.

During this not-at-all-unhappy time, faithful Shevas remind one another that any woman who runs back to her rapist at the first sign of trouble, is trusted by him to keep the rape a secret, and is willingly comforted by said rapist after he murders her husband can now look to Bathsheba, Patron Saint of #notme, for reassurance God understands that women (despite their undeniable agency and infallible selflessness) sometimes have no choice. Doing what is right must never subject a godly woman to risk. It must never cost anything. God knows she was just doing what she had to do.

The Bathsheba Season is also an opportunity to reiterate that, contrary to the archaic, biblical teaching of submission of women to their husbands at home and in all churches of the saints, the modern church has finally figured out that God’s actual design was for women to exercise co-headship (apparently like some kind of spiritual Chimera), just as the enlightened modern church is clearly co-head with Christ. Bathsheba’s acolytes remind the church that, rather than “neither male nor female in Christ” (Galatians 3:28) being about equal spiritual standing and value unto salvation, it really means Jesus has finally done away with whatever God’s outdated purpose was in creating them male and female (Gen. 1:27). While Shevas remain unsure about why Jews, Greeks, and various other stations in life are still around, they give thanks to Bathsheba that at least the male/female distinction described by Paul via Genesis (1 Tim. 2:11-14) has finally disappeared. Shevangelicals give praise to Bathsheba that the church can finally have peace by declaring that the modern, godless world has been right about gender this whole time.

Sadly, the Season of Bathsheba still has its opponents. Every year, the festivities are disrupted by misogynistic, power-hungry men (and their brainwashed wives) who insist on quoting scripture like somehow God was able to iterate universal, lasting principles for his Church that still apply in our modern, enlightened times. These has-beens point to the calamitous consequences of the breakup of the nuclear family, the infiltration of sexual perversion into the culture and culturally-submissive churches, and how the lack of protective fathers and husbands leads to abusive ministerial relationships as some sort of evidence against the clear moral superiority of God’s new gender-flattening standard.

Fortunately, Bathshebian shevangelicals can count on their allies in the LGBTQ+ world, who are happy to take a break from the push to cut the breasts off of children to join hands against the Bible-thumping common enemy of patriarchy.

Yet the work is not done. Despite every vocal Sheva clearly ruling over their own husbands and households, the original sin of patriarchy will only be eliminated from the world once all differences between men and women, advantages and disadvantages, and outcome disparities are eliminated – just as Christ intended this side of glory. The systemic injustice of male headship must be met with perpetual female headship in order to keep the scourge of masculinity from once again taking dominion over the world. Each Bathsheba Season is a chance to remind the church that the push for female headship is not at all like a car-chasing dog that will be run over if it ever gets what it wants. Rather, gynocracy is the path to utopia in and out of the church, and there is no chance old-fashioned, male-led civilizations around the world will see this as a weakness to exploit.

7 thoughts on “The Season of Bathsheba

  1. Their baseless conflicting reasoning is something to behold. They always want it both ways, which is both nonsensical and nonfunctional.

    IF what David did is tantamount to rape, then such would be dependent on the fact that God’s design of male headship and patriarchy truly is reality, and would also be dependent on the fact that women truly are the weaker vessel.

    IF male headship isn’t reality, and women aren’t truly the weaker vessel, then what David did could not possibly have been rape if Bathsheba consented to any degree at all – and I believe scripture would indicate that she clearly did consent, going on to become his wife. (may even have somewhat seduced him – bathing where he could see her, and so on)

    David committed several very serious sins, from adultery to murder. And it could be possible that what he did was tantamount to rape, from a Biblical standpoint. I don’t know the biblical definition of rape, and would welcome corrections, but it could be more like statutory rape. It could be somewhat dependent on who seduced who, and so on. I can think of several scriptures along these lines, but as I said, I don’t know. What I do know is that they can’t have it both ways. It could only be tantamount to rape if, and only if, male headship/patriarchy is God’s created reality, and women truly are the weaker vessel, according to God’s design.

    On the flip side, men can’t have it both ways either. Some will recognize the created reality of male headship, but turn around and appeal to the standards of the secular world by trying to reject the responsibility that comes with that headship, and reject the fact that women are the weaker vessel, when it comes to issues such as rape. Not to say that women are never guilty. They are often also guilty, and Jesus made that clear when He said that a man may divorce her if she commits adultery. Other scriptures I can think of where women seduced men, the Bible clearly implies that she committed a serious sin. And men seducing also (Jude for example). But with authority comes responsibility. David’s position of authority, his male headship, and God’s created design of patriarchy actually are valid points to consider. Women truly are the weaker vessel.

    As I said, this is a subject I don’t know much about in terms of what the Bible says. So I don’t know. I have been thinking about it. What exactly are the Biblical standards. What exactly does the Bible say about it. What’s the Bible’s definition of rape, abuse, etc. And I don’t know the answer to those questions.

    What I do know, at this point, though, is that neither “side” can have it both ways.

    1. Appealing to worldly standards one minute, and Biblical standards the next, cannot work. We live in a world where spanking your child is considered abuse, while having them mutilated into an abomination the Lord detests is considered acceptable. As far as the world is concerned, half the Bible is abusive. And things which the Bible indicates are abusive, particularly where it relates to lack of concern for eternal matters, the world not only considers them non-abusive, but considers them good. It doesn’t take much discernment or understanding of scripture to see that the two are, always have been, and always will be, in conflict. As Christians, we should follow Biblical standards at all times. Our first question should not be what does Caesar or society say about it. Our first question should be what does the Bible say about it.

    2. Proper male headship is headship under and in submission to the Lord. Jesus is the head of all.

      The Bible makes this very clear. A patriarch is responsible and accountable to the Lord for anything and everything he does. If I, as the patriarch, make a decision affecting the family, the ramifications of that decision are on my shoulders. I’m accountable to the Lord for it. That created order, which is the reality that God put into place, comes with great responsibility. Come judgment day, we’re not accountable to Caesar or society or secular law for what we do. We’re accountable to the Lord. And the definition of things such as abuse, rape, etc. on that day, are the only definitions that matter. If God says something like women are the weaker vessel, we’d better darned well pay attention.

      That’s how it is supposed to work. But we have some like Roys, who can’t seem to comprehend the fact that worldly standards and Biblical standards are not the same, and will always be in conflict, who try to conflate the two, pick and choose between the two when convenient, making a giant chaotic circus of it every chance they get.

  2. Great article! Another point to be made is that God took the child born to BOTH David and Bathsheba. So, she was punished too for her role in the adultery. Plus, what “innocent” woman is going to bathe herself in full view of the king of Israel without doing it on purpose. Give me a break.

  3. Implying that more inclusive ideas when it comes to women (that maybe women are full human beings in themselves, and have all the rights and agency that a full human being has) is somehow responsible for patterns of sexual abuse in churches is as stupid as it is offensive. Systems of authority (historically primarily male, but not always) will almost always lead to abuse of one sort or another. To imply elevating women to an equal level is responsible for men abusing children is as stupid as it is offensive. Child sexual abuse is an age old problem related to any system of hierarchy. It is at least as old as the Catholic Church. To imply that it is somehow a new phenomenon somehow brought on by “women pastors” or the general recognition of the humanity of female parishioners is incredibly offensive. Really, it is shorthand for modern far-right fascist political movements. Anyone who is for human rights is somehow a threat to the state (especially if the state and the far-right church merge). Anyone who is against the standing patriarchal power structure is a degenerate who deserves eradication.

  4. After reading this article, and especially the nitwit comment from Ms. FU, why am I reminded of Isaiah 3:12? It’s about God’s judgment of Judah. A lot of folks don’t seem to know that they’re in the same situation. Matter of fact, our whole country probably is. All you have to do is consult Romans 1.

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