Pastor Colin Hauch of Solid Roch Church in Camrose, AB stated in a sermon so full of cringe it was almost unbearable to create a transcript, that God turned physically and literally him into an ant so he could talk to the other ants and warn them about the impending destruction of their anthill.
Speaking to his congregation during a September service, ‘pastor’ Hauch tells his congregation the story of how recently the city was planning on digging up his sidewalk to widen the street. This news left him upset and reeling, on account that he’d come to love the anthill and befriended the ants that live nearby.
He describes his futile efforts to literally sit down next to ants and read them the work order he received, explaining to them the coming destruction and how they should go by the flowerbed where they’d be safe from the shovels and cement trucks, but the ants simply crawled all over him and ignored him.
“Your home, all that you built here is going to be destroyed. Some of you are going to get hurt. Some of you are going to die. Guys, we need to find you a new spot.”
Dejected that the ants did not seem to hear him, he tried to dig them a canal leading them to their new home but the ants attacked him, not comprehending his efforts to help. He then explains:
That day when I was working, God gave me an idea that I’d never thought about. It was amazing. That evening when I got home, I had supper, put the kids to bed with Jane. I went back out there and I said “Ok God. Do it”.
And in that moment God (insert whooshing sound effect) changed me into an ant!
As an ant, I climbed into that hill and I found the queen of the ants. I kept asking, I said “which way do I go?
They said “turn left, turn right, turn left” it was like crazy. But anyway, I got there, got to the queen ant pile and I walked inside and said “I have an urgent message for you.” I was speaking Ant.
He recounts to the highly skeptical congregants that he told the queen what was on the notice and the queen ant profusely thanked him. He left the anthill, transmogrified back into a human, and then the next day he went out to the anthill and found that the queen had moved them all to the new location, just as she said she would.
This blasphemously turns this into a gospel message, saying that in the same way God empowered him to become an ant to save the other ants, God empowered his son to become a man and save humankind.
Lest you think he’s suggesting the story is a metaphor, or that he is joking about becoming an ant. He’s not. He’s dead serious. He really believes this happened.
Dr. Michael Brown would probably back him up too.
H/T to Brother John Elvig for the link