Christian Apologist Tyler Vela ‘Deconverts’ from Christianity Because God Did Not ‘Comfort Him’ After Divorce
Christian Apologist Tyler Vela, the host of the Freed Thinker Podcast, has announced his ‘deconversion’ from Christianity after becoming disillusioned with God following a painful divorce where he did not feel the comfort of God, resulting in his loss of faith.
The announcement comes the same week that Cameron Bertuzzi, host of the YouTube channel ‘Capturing Christianity’ declared his apostasy in leaving the Christian faith for the corrupt clutches of the Roman Catholic Church.
Vela, who recently graduated from Reformed Theological Seminary with a Master’s in Biblical Studies, specialized in debating atheists and defending Calvinism and the Doctrines of Grace, frequently appearing as a guest on many apologetic channels and pages. He explains:
For the past two years, I’ve been on somewhat of a roller coaster with God and faith and religion. And that trajectory while having some up swings, has been generally downward and away from any religious faith or commitment..
At this time no longer feel comfortable identifying as a Christian, at least not in the intrinsic, evangelical or religious sense. ‘Philosophical theists’, sure, possibly even ‘theistic humanist of the Renaissance variety’, even a ‘theologically conservative reformed philosophical theist’ at that as confounding as that may sound to many who are in the know and reformed or even just systematic theology.
..I fought for a long time against the growing tide of doubts and reservations and honestly, apathy and discontent, but found at the end of the day, that the more I fought, the more acute they became. Like an existential Chinese finger trap for which the more I struggled to free myself from, the worse it became.
Vela says that the news does not come on account of “unrepentant sin or addiction” or because he became disenfranchised by the Calvinism he was known to profess and defend, but rather because he stopped believing after God was silent after his divorce.
I’m definitely not an atheist. No, I don’t hate the Bible. I don’t think religion poisons everything or any of that nonsense. I lost my faith, not my brain, I still find Christianity and the Bible to be beautiful, meaningful to the human experience and in some significant sense true. But I just cannot remain tethered to the mast and pretend that I can, want to, or will order my life by the narrow precepts, though, its general equity is admirable
Vela pushes back on the idea that he’s only saying these things because he’s in a bad place:
However, many seem to think that I’m in a bad place now, that somehow this is a ‘right now’ decision because they think that I’m currently struggling. They want to pray for me and hope I find peace in this struggle and turmoil ‘right now’. That’s just an inaccurate. I’m actually in a really good and healthy place, probably the most peaceful, healthy and holistically happy place I’ve been.
I’ll make my feeble attempt to explain below, but my deconversion is happening, almost because my faith was of no value or help during the crisis I went through (his divorce). And so as I’ve healed and grown, I found it to be something that did not fit me anymore, something that was not authentic to myself. Like when you’ve lost weight and are more healthy, but then none of your clothes fit right anymore and are actually uncomfortable to wear.
As far as specifics, Vela reveals that God never helped him or heal him through his divorce, and because of this, he came to view his faith as a toxic relationship, where he loved God, but was never loved back or shown any affection or care.
My divorce wasn’t the cause or even the reason for my deconversion- it was more like a catalyst, not the cause. I didn’t lose my faith because I got divorced. Like, ‘God, if You’re real, I wouldn’t be divorced’. Now that would be shallow and honestly a silly reason. I mention my divorce because it’s an event that made me rip off a bunch of bandaids and come out of hiding. To confront a lot of very sinful and shameful aspects about myself in my life. My divorce forced me to confront myself and how I handled abuse and infidelity and how being a victim of circumstance had changed me into someone I didn’t recognize and I was ashamed of being.
What was weird, however, was that the more I healed and became more confident and at peace with who I am, I also noticed that the ministerial promises of the Bible seemed further and further from reality for me. That tension bothered me. A very strong cognitive dissonance set in. I begged and cried and asked God to get to make me more like Jesus, to love him more, to know him more to have the Spirit convict me, etc. But the more I did that, the less faith I had, because it started to feel that those are things that I shouldn’t have to beg God for. like a child shouldn’t have to beg their parents for love or care. They should not have to beg for a loaf of bread instead of a rock of fish instead of a poisonous serpent. My faith was diminished.
For those who seem to think that I’m letting feelings drive actions, ask yourself, What do you mean, as a Christian, when you say that God is your comfort? Is God your comfort? If you’re in fact, not comforted? Is it too emotional to desire to be like Christ?
He continues:
…It seemed to me that if God did not want me near him, or did not see fit to comfort me, why should I keep fighting for it? I had a painful tension between how strong my head believed the theology and what I thought the Bible affirmed, and how much, or rather how vanishingly little faith I had left, if any at all.
…I get the nobility of striving against sin and the devil and fighting for the kingdom and all that and never giving up. But should I have to fight for a relationship with God, especially if the promises are true that he is to be our comforter, our rock, our place of great shelter, the lover of our souls?
...I find myself almost saying back to God in his own words, if my child was saying that they didn’t even know if I loved him, and was begging to know me and to be near me. I wouldn’t hesitate to comfort him in ways that he felt comforted. If me being fallen and broken and sinful, as a father know that, how much more should you my heavenly Father. And yet that comfort never came.
…At some point, it almost felt like the toxic relationships we hear about where someone’s always demanding love and devotion, but never returns the favour. Says they love you, but doesn’t actually show you that you can have any value to them. But that’s just it. Right? I would expect on the Christian message…. something.
Surely something from my heavenly father who’s supposed to infinitely love and care for and protect and uphold his children, surely God would know what would at least be noticeable to me, right? Enough to keep me from walking out. I wasn’t expecting grand miracles or healing. I wasn’t praying for stuff or things for prosperity, or even for favourable circumstances. I just wanted him just like He promised. And God could have, just like I would for my sons, but crickets. For years, crickets.
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Very sad. The first thought that comes to mind is the thorn that God let remain in his flesh, and My strength is my made perfect in weakness. God does not promise to end anyone’s suffering just when they ask, and at times glorifies himself through it. There is no great comfort in knowing our trial will serve Christ’s kingdom, even if the pain does not end. He is missing part of that, and just running away.
Should read “there is great comfort” not “there is no great”
I agree- very sad. My wife and I lost a son at the age of 22 to an car accident. Moments like that are tough to handle and it would be easy to believe God did not come through for us. But it was the depth of our faith and the support from our church family that allowed us to move on. That was 16 years ago and our faith has only grown stronger. You either believe or you don’t. It is as basic as that.
Sorry for your loss. God was gracious to instill you with the humility to accept it.
God HATES divorce.
God hates sin…
The Reformed or Calvinistic theology, taken to its logical end becomes fatalistic, assigning to God the creation of evil and all happenings as a part of His sovereignty. He becomes impersonal and harsh in this theology as He only loves the elect or those who are foreordained and predestined to become elect…. If He doesn’t provide “comfort”, one might assume in this theology that God chose not to in his sovereign will. That He is some how glorified for withholding this comfort or sovereignly caused the divorce, infidelity or other circumstances related to the divorce.
I can see how someone who follows this theology could become disillusioned and fall away.
You nailed it
Sergio, creating a version of Christianity and God that is more to our liking rather than the God and Savior that has been revealed in Scripture was spoken about by Jesus and the Apostles quite thoroughly. You might not want to be so quick to throw your Christian hat in the ring with those who’s “better” rendition of God and Christianity only became mainstream in the 20th century. Spurgeon was pre 20th century, so he held to what is now considered calvinistic principles. According to the modern day Arminians such as Billy Graham, Spurgeon would be considered an extremely staunch Calvinist. However, a “Calvinistic” biblical viewpoint was the most common viewpoint in his day among Protestants.
No. He hardly ‘nailed it’
David, while that might be the intellectual assessment and trajectory of some who are without the indwelling Holy Spirit and having had their heart changed by God, that is not the trajectory of someone who upholds the truth of Scripture in these aspects of God and his work throughout His creation according to what He has revealed throughout Scripture.
People who live out their Christianity according to the whole counsel of Scripture serve God and others, and show love toward God and others.
He needs to change his thinking. God has already done everything. Your outer world is a direct extension of your thinking. If you want to change your existence change your thinking. I can guarantee this guy has unresolved sin in his life there’s no doubt about it. All he has to do is ask and God will still be right there for him.
Or he was never a believer, but rather doing the “apologetics” as a personal soul-search, a la, “fake it till you make it.” Well, he didn’t make it.
Sigh, he’s a Millennial, right? Every relationship has to be about them. Their god is Self-importance, and it lives in the infinite vacuum of their vapidity!
You had comfort in the Word, God but you wanted the Essau bowl of stew; a quick and easy high.
God gave you it all; every imaginable path to victory, but you did not want that grace and chose to air your grievances publicly to hurt others on their walk with God.
Like Judas, a self centered, dissatisfied and ungrateful liar; maybe never even had love for God or your wife and you know it. So like a dutiful soldier of satan, get back at God by claiming to doubt his greatness. You have need of a Savior and His name is Jesus Christ. Repent.
YHWH forbids “religion”.
The apostles we’re persecuted and killed some of the old testament prophets were killed (read Hebrews 11) the church was persecuted and is persecuted now around the world christians are killed and jailed and finally Jesus was crucified and this gentleman leaves God because he wasn’t comforted by God are you kidding me sir. I guess you haven’t read about the three Hebrew men that were thrown into the fire who said; even if God doesn’t save us we still won’t worship your idol, how about Daniel in the lion’s den, how about the prophet Jeremiah in the pit, sir stop this and get back to God, he loves you and go after the real enemy yourself and Satan.
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“Some fell on rocky ground, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly because the soil was shallow. But when the sun rose, the seedlings were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.”
To “beg” God is to imply that you are more merciful than he is. This young man has no clue about the true nature of God.
It’s not about him or his divorce. A hick-up of a reproach. That just shows to everyone the frailty of his soul, his imperfection as a mate, & the need for the Spirit of GOD to wax strong in his weaknesses. Was his marriage an idol. Was he lead into hard testings by a divorce? Did GOD become a liar and not provide a way of escape? Educated leaders? How about trial by fire servants.
Me thinks he just wants to merchandise the saints with a new book.
His lack of maturity as a Christian is on clear display… he needs to read Job. He’s hardly the only Christian to suffer thru a divorce… I did. My former wife’s actions were purposely harmful… but, realizing that God did not promise me a free ride in this life WRT to dealing with challenges… quite the opposite… He promises that Christians WILL suffer because of their faith. Blaming God for your lack of faith is NEVER the way to go.
His error is in believing that “God” is a separate entity defined by the Catholic Church.
New Testament scriptures actually define God as Light (all light is energy), Love (love isn’t an entity), Spirit (whatsoever is born of Spirit IS Spirit), and Life (Life is what animates us and makes us living souls).
But it is narcissism that whines “I was hurting and God didn’t comfort me”… and narcissistic mindsets are of the egoic fleshly mind, not Spirit.
If the definition of “God” is clarified, then one’s belief in and acceptance of the Oneness of “God In Us” helps us to understand that God is always with us in every situation, because We and God are One.
If we learn to Love ourselves, then we understand the Love of God. He’s not “out there” separate from us. He’s “in here”, One with Us.
This is very sad. I pray this individual, with reflection and passage of time, realizes that God had given him everything required to weather the storm and was with him all the time.
In situations like this fault is ALWAYS with the believer in lack of or shallowness of faith, not the Father.
It’s so stupid. So does he no longer believe God exists? Or is he throwing a temper tantrum and choosing hell for all eternity? He couldn’t have been saved in the first place.
This place stinks of pride. Real macho men of God. Give yourselves a pat on the back, gentlemen. What would the Lord do without you?
“Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.”
Repent, worms.
RS, Pride and less than Christ-like commentary is indeed something that we need to purge from our life and guard against lest it begin to resurface in our life again.
However, pointing out the realities of possible self-seeking unregenerate souls who have become disillusioned by their philosophical underpinnings and alignment with Christianity is oftentimes a worthy reality to point out.
Biblically, saved and regenerate people don’t walk away. It’s those who were never actually saved who walk away. If someone has acquired a Christian platform and is then walking away while espousing misleading and unbiblical notions, people jumping in and correcting those false notions is a defense of truth, and an attempt to redirect those who may be misled by the false and misleading statements.
This is not pride. This is a defense of Truth. Jesus did this often and typically in less than diplomatic ways.
I’m certainly not defending the guy’s words or actions. I think he does violence to himself and others by making this a public affair and I worry about the impact his statements may have on weak brothers and sisters. That said, I’m horrified for him and sympathetic toward his pain and struggles with faith. Many of the commenters don’t seem to have an ounce of compassion or concern for the guy. It makes me wonder if they’ve ever been tested. I thank God that He doesn’t write people off as eagerly as many of His people seem to. Chastise the guy all you want for making a show of his unbelief. That’s fair play. Just don’t forget that you’re a worm like him, completely at the mercy of our Lord. Be horrified and weep and plead for his soul to the only one who can help any of us. If you’re not in pain over the place this former brother has ended up… If you’re not worried about him… If you’re not moved to pray for him… If your kneejerk is to dismantle him personally, ridicule his weakness and failure, and write him off without a single tear for his soul, you might be a prideful whitewashed tomb. That’s all I’m saying.
That was a cogent and well received defense of your concerns. Your passion and concern shows. I’m not so sure about the choice to use the word “violence” in that particular context, but I do realize that has been highly popularized in popular culture of late and is in the category of semantics.
As we know, there is an intellectual development and acquisition of biblical knowledge that goes no further than knowledge that puffs up, and there is biblical knowledge that God uses to change hearts and lives through sanctification and an outflow of the fruit of the Spirit. That later part is oftentimes missing, which should be a concern for us as we search our own hearts.
May God search our hearts and point out any wicked way within us.
Thank you for hearing me out graciously. For the record, I meant violence in a broader metaphorical sense, as in an act that causes damage. In this case to one’s immortal soul. A bit of poetic flair, I suppose. Though one might argue that’s violence in the truest sense. In any case, you’ll get no whining about microaggressions and the like from me…lol. Curse the left for narrowing the semantic range. Nobody would have blinked at the use of “violence” in that context 20 years ago. Now because of a horde of wokists shouting “silence is violence” I can’t be a little indulgent with my words from time to time without suspicion of communist party membership. So many ridiculous shibboleths now. I could go on, but I won’t…lol. Anyway, God bless.
A fine Desiring God article is entitled “Emotions Make Terrible Gods”. Indeed! And if one views the Lord God Almighty as a fast-acting cosmic bellhop of comfort in the wake of an emotional storm, one just may be disappointed. Who is serving whom? And as the old line goes: If the immutable God suddenly seems far away from you…who moved?
I am constantly amazed how for many professing Christians it’s all about the here and now, and what they expect to gain or benefit from it in this life, having no concern for eternal matters, their eternal fate, or the eternal fate of others, when as a Christian that is supposed to be our foremost concern. That is what the Gospel is all about.
What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, but lose his soul? (Mark 8:36, Matt 16:26, Luke 9:25) Seek ye first the kingdom of God (Matt 6:33, Luke 12:31) and peace, assurance, and security will follow. Get your priorities straight. 2 Peter 3:9
If Mr. Vela still believes God exists, as he claims, then he should understand that being perfect God Almighty, He will judge. Judgement day is coming. The question then is, by what will God judge? Will He judge according to His revealed Word through the ages, or will He pull a big dirty switcheroo on mankind and judge us all according to something else? What comfort or peace is there in not knowing by what you will be judged, and what will determine your eternal fate? I personally find far more comfort, peace, and assurance knowing that I can pick up the Bible, read it, and know exactly how and by what I will be judged, and exactly what will determine my eternal fate, without question. God is infinitely perfect in all ways, and does not change. His Word does not change, and will never change. He does not break His word. He keeps His promises. What could possibly be more assuring and comforting than that?
Whether Mr. Vela now believes in the God of the Bible, or in a false god (as it appears he has believed a false gospel all along, with focus all on expected benefits in the here and now of this life) it would be wise for Mr. Vela to check his pride. I can assure him that he doesn’t know more about how to be a good Father than God Himself. I can assure him that he is not above the Bible itself. Consider, is he asking for bread and water – actual needs – or is he asking for something else. And consider why is what he wants right here and right now more important than anything and everything else, for all time eternal. If God isn’t giving you what you want, then which of you is wrong? Which of you knows better what’s best for you? Is what you want more important than what God wants – that none should perish, but that all should have eternal life? Is your immediate comfort worth more than your soul? Is it worth more than the eternal fate of others? Quit trying to recreate God in your own image.
no need to believe in something when it fails to do what it promises.
Remember Lazarus and the rich man. The only kindness and comfort Lazarus received in his final days was from street dogs licking his wounds. Yet he is loved by God. I know it’s hard to see clearly in this life. Believe me, I know. I’m essentially a cripple with no discernable prospects. I can’t tell you how badly I want to quit almost every day. There are no beatific visions for me. No journeys to the seventh heaven. No prophetic insights into the grand plan. No eyes to see God’s armies in formation around me. However there is some comfort in knowing that God has been honest about the occasionally low estate of His people in this life. To my mind that honesty makes His promises far more credible. I still want to die, but I can at least sometimes see that my afflictions and struggles are not necessarily an indication that God has abandoned me. That said, this knowledge is still not enough to keep me going. There is no eureka moment where everything makes sense once and for all. Just a daily begging for bread to the ONLY one who can sustain and deliver. Every day an agonizing affirmation of the truth that our only hope is in God’s constant and unfailing mercy. Mercy that conquers even death. Lord Jesus, keep us from despair. We need You. We’re tired. Where else can we turn? Who else can deliver? Please have mercy on us.
Yours is a situation that should prompt the rest of us to cry out in repentance because of our whining and lack of sufficient gratitude for the better life we do not deserve.
Many brothers and sisters in Christ around the world are in similar situations. Just like those who were a part of the early Church with the Apostles, Christians have been told that this life is one of suffering and persecution for those who follow Christ, because of the corruption of sin in this world. This manifests both physically and spiritually throughout Scripture.
While you are suffering from the physical end of the spectrum, other brothers and sisters in Christ are suffering mental and emotional anguish on a daily basis from their tormentors. This was my previous experience. Faith and strength comes from God in these situations. Most of us are on a reprieve from the effects of all of that, but we will one day be tested again as well.
May our hope be on what lies ahead and may we not be distracted by our current health, abundance, and our current situation. God has a purpose in all things, which is difficult to see in the moment. Many times we will never fully understand it in this life, but all things are to be made clear once we are in His presence.
Our prayers are with you and your situation.
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