Following a dismal “Good Faith” Baal worship debate performance at Mt. Carmel, The Gospel Coalition has removed Elijah, the controversial Prophet, from its upcoming “Good Faith” Molech worship debate. At the showdown on Mt Carmel, Elijah relentlessly mocked Baal and his prophets, resulting in a frenzy of self-inflicted injuries, as the Baal worshipers cut themselves in an attempt to solicit a response from their god. The prophet lacked the winsomeness and nuance that characterize the gentle and lowly hearts of Gospel Coalition contributors, as he caused unnecessary trauma with words that were anything but seeker-sensitive. After God rained fire down on Elijah’s sacrifice, the Prophet piled on to the humiliation of the Pagans’ defeat through the uncharitable act of slaughtering them after the debate was complete.
In a promotional spot for her upcoming debate, TGC’s Pro-Woke, Pro LGBT “Good Faith” debater Rebecca Mclaughlin called on Elijah to repent of his actions, explaining:
“Elijah needs to recognize and repent for the damage that he has caused to the Baal Community, just as Christians need to repent for the damage that they have caused by not accepting and loving members of the same-sex attracted community in our churches. How can we expect to have good faith debates and find common ground with those who hold different opinions if we don’t foster an environment that allows us to question and weigh out our differing opinions so that we can find middle ground?”
Gospel Coalition founder Tim Keller defended Elijah’s removal in a series of cryptic tweets that he will probably soon deny have anything to do with Elijah:
“Wavering between 2 opinions is the best way to find the third way that we so desperately need in the evangelical community.”
“Ahab is a brilliant example of how to be an Israelite in the public square. Notice the witness, but in a form that the culture and his sweet wife Jezebel can handle. We should desire to have more Israelites in these spaces like Ahab, and give them grace as they operate.”
“Sacrificing to Yahweh doesn’t get you into heaven. I happen to know this. So how in the world could sacrificing to Molech get you into hell.”
“As one of my esteemed colleagues frequently says, ‘we ought to whisper about the things that the Bible whispers about and shout about what it shouts about.’ The Bible whispers about child sacrifice, compared to its shouts about religious pride.”
“We Should not judge pagan beliefs on the basis of God’s law. The fairest way to evaluate a world-explaining narrative is by judging on the basis of its own premises and beliefs. If we decide it fails, we must show it fails on its own terms.”
Sean Demars, another “Good Faith” debater, questioned Elijah’s judgement of those deemed false prophets, as a legalistic witch hunt:
“Elijah, man, he is zealous, and constantly accusing guys of idolatry when they hang out in the high places. Most often I’m saying to him, ‘Hey some of these guys that you’re saying are worshipping false gods. I know them. They’re my friends. That guy discipled me. I had lunch with him last week. I heard him say this about that person. Trust me, he’s not going pagan at all.’ Anyone who’s even slightly sympathetic to hanging out with the ladies of the high places or watching the soft-core porn laced entertainment recommendations of Brett McCracken and Jackie Hill Perry is suspect in the eyes of Elijah. That guy is a real buzz-kill.”
Now that Elijah has been removed from the debate, the race is on to find an adequate replacement. The current frontrunner for the spot, SEBTS English professor and TGC author Karen Swallow-Prior, has stated that if chosen she would like to expand the scope of the Molech worship debate to include all issues related to life:
“People like to look at the Molech worship issue as if it was just as simple as not throwing babies into the fiery altar. In reality the debate is much more nuanced and complex like. It;s like that book, ‘If You Give a Mouse a Cookie’, only the title should be ‘If You Make a Woman Keep Her Baby.’
If you make a woman keep her baby, you have to provide her with everything that she could possibly need. Food stamps, free baby formula, and universal basic income are a pro-life issue. Once the baby is born, the mother will need free government childcare and healthcare, which are also pro-life issues. The child will need government funded schooling, condoms, subsidized housing, and free college tuition, which are also pro-life issues. Animals are alive, so by nature animal rights are a pro-life issue. Fundamentalists like Elijah need to focus on the pro-life issues that really matter, rather than just narrowly focusing on stopping Molech worship.
Look at how much water he wasted on Mt. Carmel in the middle of a drought, and those bulls definitely weren’t free range organic. Worshipping God in a sustainable way is a pro-life issue.”
Editor’s Note. This article was written by Paul Brown for Protestia, and is a piece of satire.