The Colgate company, known for manufacturing toothpaste, toothbrushes, and all other manner of machinations designed to leave one’s mouth minty fresh and plaque-free, decided to go woke and hopefully not broke when they released an ad featuring a young, non-binary teenage girl extolling the beauty of being a “they/them.”
The hot-to-the-touch-because-it-just-came-from-hell promo begins with the young woman repeating the usual array of progressive riffs:
Your identity is not (unintelligible) it’s who you are. Even if you’re questioning and trying out pronouns, that is you and I’m proud of you.
I’m Gianna and my pronouns are they/them. Oh Gosh, I can’t help but laugh, because I’ve never really said that out loud, so I’m kinda really happy.
I decided to make pronoun bracelets because people might assume your gender or your pronouns, and maybe they might pay attention to your bracelet and they might know ‘Oh hey, they’re non-binary.’
So, I just try and help people out because it really does hurt when you’re misgendered.
A text overlay informs that Gianna’s pronoun bracelets are sold online and at local markets [Editor’s note: There can’t possibly be a market for these, right? RIGHT!!!????] and that a portion of the money is donated to LGBTQ and racial equality groups. The video concludes with Gianna saying sweet nothings that mean sweet nothing:
Everyone is beautiful and more specifically you are beautiful so never doubt yourself.
For a company that has built a reputation based on the science of proper oral hygiene, you’d think they’d carry that conviction through to the rest of their endeavors, rather than betray the fundamental principles that made them successful.
In fact, if Colgate applied the same science principles towards the science of “they/them” non-binary genders as they do towards maximizing oral care, things would look much different. Rather than Colgate adopting cutting edge scientific technology to address gum deterioration, brush bristle tension, enamel preservation, and proper brushing techniques, we’d be gargling old-timey bottles of mysterious liquid whose label reads “Krazy Eddie’s Tooth Decay Elixir and Leg-lengthening Tonic” and the only three ingredients would be cocaine, horse urine, and a couple of drops of Red dye 40.
Crest. Arm and Hammer. Toms. Oral B: please take our money.
Once the transgendered tirade is out of the tube, it can’t be put back in.
