In a move that has caught everyone off guard and left woke Christendom reeling, Kyle J. Howard, notorious race-baiter who is traumatized by his own shadow because it’s not black enough, took to social media to publicly repent of the obstreperous racism that he has carried on for so many years, declaring, “I finally believe that there is neither Jew nor Greek.”
Furthermore, in another shocking twist, Howard announced he’s planning on moving to Arizona in July in order to sit under Dr. James White, a man who only 3 years previous he declared he would not feel safe meeting one-on-one, in order to be mentored on how he can be an ally to white people.
When we reached out for comment, White affirmed the decision of Howard to move in order to sit under his tutelage and mentorship, but then started going on and on about how many debates he’d done and how many tattoos he has, and defending his decision to have a Muslim interfaith dialogue, and something or other about some participle in the original Greek. We could not get in a word edgewise and hung up the phone after he started advocating for theonomy, concluding the interview.
Naturally, many friends of Howard have expressed their disbelief at his change of heart, with Eric Mason writing on Instagram “Silver and Gold. Silver and Gold. Aint no riches there, Hallelujah.”
Dwight McKissic declared that Howard was persona non-grata with him going forward and that he was being ejected from the Facebook group, “Secret Sadducees against the SBC.”
Perhaps the person most critical of them all was Beth Moore, who took to Twitter to express her disappointment with her oft-noted nephew, writing this status and tweeting out this photograph:
Howard, however, took on a more introspective and conciliar stance, noting:
I’m sorry, Beloved, but it’s clear to me that CRT is of the devil. This whole time I thought I was fighting racism, but I was only fighting myself. It’s clear, Beloved, that I don’t understand what racism is, how it’s manifested, and how to identify it. I know many are disappointed that I won’t be able to help them advance the new notion that reparations are a gospel issue, but Beloved, I will be with you in the heart. In fact, I bought a Blue Lives Matter shirt to remind myself of this very thing.
Lastly, I’d like to offer a special apology to Protestia, who is my most Beloved of all. I know you’ve been detailing my many acts of malfeasance for years, warning others about my dark and deranged heart that sees microaggressions and racism under every rock. You were right to do so, to inform the masses of my leaven, and I endorse every one of your posts.”
As for what he will do for Arizona for employment, whether he has a job lined up or not while he sits under the tutelage of Dr. White and the confession-recording folk over at Apologia, Howard says he will continue his counseling sessions, as well as plans to form a new startup.
I already have a business idea. I’m going to retrofit Trump 2020 MAGA hats to say “2024.” I can’t wait until that lovable man comes back on the scene. The greatest president of my lifetime. I should have treated him better. Donald – if you’re out there and you see this – I’m sorry.”
[Editor’s note: Check the publication date of this post.]
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